i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
