Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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