no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
