If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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