Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
