Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
