Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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