im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
