plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
