My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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