I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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