my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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