you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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