This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
