he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
