Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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