He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
