and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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