Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
