dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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