Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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