took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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