watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
