I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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