What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
my liver is dry heaving
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