i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
