woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
