YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
