I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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