it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
