Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
its liver damage thursday
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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