Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
