I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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