Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
