I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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