the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize