I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Ladies don't puke and tell
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
