Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
