I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
