I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
