Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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