Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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