There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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