New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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