Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
