Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
