If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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