playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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