Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
