My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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