I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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