As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
