I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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