I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
