I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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