I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
