Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
