The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
