after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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