No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
