I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize