Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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