there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
