i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
