I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
