No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
