Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just googled if crying burns calories
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
